Session Thirteen: Strongest
From the logs of M'k
Scene 1: Bird Bag
We first took a break to investigate another bag. The paladin's bag hadn't been used since we followed Janis through it, but had apparently been sealed closed, so we tried the bag full of birds.
M'k sent in an Eye, seeing a strange, pink forest at night. A humanoid chameleon wore the bag on a rope belt, next to a knife, as he stalked birds. He would periodically pounce on a bird, and stow it. The boundary of the sphere was visible a few hundred meters above, ruling out Samuel's initial guesses of Aborea and the Beastlands.
The Eye died; it wasn't one of the durable ones. A second Eye saw the chameleon climbing towards the ground, before winking out even faster.
This guy didn't look as imposing as the paladin, so we decided to try diplomacy, although we didn't lead with our more diplomatic members, who are also less durable in an ambush.
We assembled the portals, and Doktor stuck his head out of the bag. The chameleon tried and failed to push him back in.
"Hello," Doktor tried, in Trade and Orkish.
In trade, "Ah! You're not a bird! And you can talk! Why are you in my bag?" Doktor offered to explain, and asked to be let out of the bag. The chameleon instead cast a fireball, which somehow missed Doktor, passed through the bag and portal, and nearly hit Igneous, who dodged aside. The fireball left a trail of birds behind it, for some reason, as it sailed past us and ignited several bags of holding.
Meetslab had pinned the chameleon on the floor, so the rest of us turned to fight the fire, shouting for the halflings to help. We managed to smother the flames, but two bags were lost; we made a note to install a sprinkler system. One bag had been owned by minor adventurers, and popped to reveal a Windhands Gemstone, among some mundane gear. The second lost bag held only rat skulls; the Town hadn't used it since the time it had been full of animate zombies.
The halflings were pretty pissed, and didn't seem to want us to investigate more bags, no matter how much we explained that doing so would further the glory of Vectron, who had after all invented the concept of bags. Regardless, we'd finalized our plans for Ysgard, so it was time to make our way there, and thence to the Wicked Mountains. We left the chameleon unconscious, with his bag hidden on the other side of his sphere.
Scene 2: Mountain Hop
We made our move in the dead of night, when the hunter's camp was quietest. The bag was full of food and liquor, which we gave to the halflings by way of apology as we filled the bag with our opening statement, an Igneous special: a grenade covered in explosive crystals and shrapnel.
Our hideous friend tossed his device and closed the bag.
When we stormed out of the breach moments later, all (I must assume) screaming "FOR VECTRON!", Samuel was already playing battle music. We saw some twenty hunters laid out on bedrolls around the fire, in range of the bomb, and only one guard. Doktor and M'k started smashing heads, while Igneous picked off targets and Miley fired wildly into the stunned and hung-over crowd. (Remember: they were hunting other people! We're the good guys!)
The first head Doktor tried to smash turned out to be incredibly durable; the human roused from his sleep to pick Doktor up and slam a knee into him. Doktor is even harder to hurt, however, and our melee team soon won the fight, then looked around to see that the camp had been obliterated. Igneous took a sample from the big guy, and Doktor collected the bag.
We were three and a half weeks away from the nearest settlement. Fearing ambush, we retreated into the bag and let our captain make the journey. We visited at night, for s'mores.
While Doktor hiked down the mountain, we ran some errands. Igneous installed a fire suppression system in the Town, among some other projects, while Samuel and M'k tried talking to the chameleon again: he just wanted us to leave him alone, so we did.
Scene 3: Best in the Wheel
The towns at the foot of the great mountain were pleasant and clean, and filled with cheerful travellers. A bit of a college town vibe.
We managed to find a spelljammer bound for the Wicked Mountains; the captain, Isildur Doomblade, was going to compete. Samuel befriended him, and explained that he travelled with a ridiculously good Warp navigator, likely the most skilled in the Wheel. Samuel offered M'k's assistance in reaching our common destination, and Isildur couldn't turn down help from someone who had once navigated to Sigil without a map. We got rooms for the whole party, except for Igneous, who was hideous enough that we kept him hidden in the Town by habit.
While we waited, we bought more drugs (never don't buy drugs, as Vectron always says), and Samuel made some inquiries. When he explained, to his typical barroom audience, that he was looking for masters of powerful musical styles, he was treated with the story of a bard who started a food-fight in Valhalla; the story ended with him knee-deep in naked valkyries. The bard turned out to be our acquaintance, the leader of Sigil's Infinite Rave, so Samuel would have to look elsewhere for new tricks.
Isildur insisted on pushing for speed, despite M'k's warning that nothing makes one later than being burnt to death and cast into the Warp. Predictably, we ran into a pocket of time dilation, which we found out when we opened the bag and heard Igneous speaking to us at ten times speed (from our vantage point).
Igneous had to keep himself busy while the rest of us travelled in slow motion, but we managed to arrive in the nick of time, a week and a half ahead of the tournament.
Interlude: A Bored Igneous Is a Dangerous Igneous
From the logs of Igneous
Thanks to the vagueries of the warp travel, Igneous was forced to wait 16 weeks for his companions to reach The Wicked Mountains. This was after he'd waited three weeks while Doktor Meetslab decended Ysgard Mountain on foot. (Those weeks had been productive at least: he'd finally gotten his arm the way he wanted it, installed an automated fire suppression system in Lost and Found and had modified his hoverbike to use airplane-style controls.)
Duty before pleasure, he crafted Captain Meetslab's requested daggers first. The flaming one took to tries, but he got them.
Next, he set out to create a weapon for himself. A sort of medium-range-las, a long-las variant that traded the extreme range for more raw power. This didn't work. Two weeks; two attempts; two failures.
So, five weeks into the waiting, he was feeling quite discouraged about weaponry. But, he reflected, weapons weren't really his thing. Sure, he knew some nice tricks with them, but what made him dangerous was his mind. After all, the vast majority of his body count had been achieved with no weapons at all.
But enhancing minds is difficult. So he took it slowly. An entire week to build a basic cortical implant, the kind that enables stroke victims to stagger around like poorly animated zombies. Two weeks (there was a false start, but not so bad as to damage the implant) to attach memory banks with proper protocols. And one more week to attach processors.
The resulting implant was a thing of beauty. Well, the design was. If you just looked at the implant it wasn't very impressive.
But installing it would be trouble. He needed a trustworthy surgeon. And that surgeon would need to make incisions...
So he crafted a Power Scalpel. Technically a weapon (an "ordinary" melee weapon with a power field but unsuited to parrying -- a "common" item, not that you'll find it in stores) but optimized for surgery.
And then he realized that the same issue that affected surgery would also affect drugs. Power hypodermic needles sounded like a bad idea, so he wanted and injector rig. First he made one, then, having too much time on his hands, he spent another week upgrading it to be the best injector rig it could be. Finally it was time for installation. He and Octocat went to Titan's Arm. By now her position was secure enough to take a vacation. He sweetened the deal by offering to make his next project be for her, but suspected that Titan's Arm's 5-star sushi restaurants were sufficient draw after months of soylent.
The discussion at the hospital went something like this...
Receptionist: Oh, you sweet thing. What can I do for you?
Octocat: I'm here with my friend Igneous. He wants some bionics installed. I'm just keeping him company and making sure people don't freak out at the sight of him.
Receptionist: This is Titan's Arm, darling. I've seen stranger. Not often, I'll admit. And not uglier. But stranger. Bionic implantation is easy enough. Do you already have the implants you want? You know, we do offer cosmetic surgery as well.
Igneous: Yes, I have the implants. As for cosmetics, I think in my case that's a lost cause.
Once he had the implants, he took advantage of being at a hospital and bought some drugs. Detox and Comfort on general principles, Stimm (just in case), Drive (to treat his ADHD), and Slaught (to treat his poor old teacher's Parkinsons). Either the hospital bought his cover stories or they just didn't care. Along the way, he noticed some very interesting expeditions were being made into Titan's Arm's interior. One archeologist claimed to have found a set of multicolored energy beams that seemed to serve as flexor digitalis tendons, and was looking for someone brave or foolish enough to go poke them with a stick. Heroically, he resisted the temptation and returned to Lost and Found.
The next week, as promised, he crafted a project for Octocat.
Having mostly run out of good ideas, he spent a week upgrading his pet bat, whom he'd named Na.
He was beginning to contemplate a project of building ship-scale cruise missiles with antimatter warheads which could be launched from L&F via Porte and Bag when he got word that the party had emerged from the warp and was readying itself for the tournament.
The observant will note that only 15 weeks are accounted for here, and that counts the Titan's Arm visit as a full week. The rest of the time was spent in dribs and drabs. He puttered around the lab, investigating that powerful Ysgardian hunter in far more depth than he deserved. He looked for signs that the Astral Sea was itself a cellular autamata with a grid structure and inherent alignment. He didn't find any, which was probably just as well since it would have enabled him to infect space itself with contagious diseases.
Scene 4: Ante Up
As we emerged from the ship into the docks of Wicked Mountain, the first thing we noticed was that we had probably misinterpreted the word "wicked". The buildings were built with smooth curves and metal rails, and the locals were skateboarding all over everything. A stall sold deep-friend manwiches, which we found to contain neither man nor witches.
As Samuel hit up some bars, for mumbled reasons, the rest of us made our way to the officials' booth. Doktor, M'k, Miley, and Igneous were completing their applications when Dewey revealed himself. We were dumbfounded that he thought he could compete, and we tried to discourage him, but Scrubs was dauntless. We allowed his entry, reasoning that the fights weren't to the death.
The rules: each fighter would ante an artifact, which they (and only they) were allowed to use during the fights. Fighters were not allowed to accept magical assistance or harm a competitor who had already yielded.
In the main bracket, only valuable magical items were accepted, and the winner of each fight would claim the ante of the loser. M'k anted Samuel's Psychic Paper, Miley the magical cat-fall boots, and Igneous the Box of Snakes and the Windhands gemstone. Doktor, who is fucking crazy, put up his heart; he'd had the necrodermis bionic implanted.
There was also a "scrub" bracket, which accepted lesser artifacts; the winners would fill in the 64-person main bracket. We allowed Dewey to enter this one, anteing the Hanging Rope and the data we'd collected from blowing up the ancient human research station. He also asked to borrow the clothes-changing amulet, for some reason.
We asked about the previous tournament: there had been roughly one hundred competitors, and the death rate had been around twenty percent. We looked nervously at Dewey, whose fights in the scrub bracket would take place first.
Scene 5: Scrubs Bracket
As Dewey approached for his fight, Samuel dashed by, flagrantly in a restricted area, stealing a microphone and vaulting over guards on his way to the center of the arena, where he began to whip up the crowd.
"Ladies and gentlemen! We are all blessed to be here today to witness GREATNESS! To witness a man who has seen the indescribable! Who has fought the unimaginable! Who has survived fights that have killed lesser demigods! He is a slayer of dragons! A man amongst men! I! Give! You! DEWEY! THE SCRUBS!"
Samuel finished introducing the opponent, a drow with twin scimitars, as the security guards caught up with him.
"Sir," intoned the larger, senior guard, "you need to follow us to the announcer's booth."
Samuel continued to introduce the fights.
• Dewey vs. Drow with scimitars
Dewey walked in wearing his ship uniform, and then suddenly was in fatigues and carrying a rocket launcher. Apparently, the Amulet of Expedient Dressing counted weapons as part of the outfit, so long as they were connected with, say, a strap, or a tac harness. Dewey by krak missile. The kid continues to impress. M'k gaped enviously at the amulet.
• Dewey vs. cat girl with claw things
Dewey saved his second missile, instead lobbing grenades. He took some hits, but, Dewey by grenade.
• Dewey vs. Cadian ex-soldier in flak armor, with a bolt gun
Dewey changed outfits again, and was holding Aephyr's crazy sword. "In the words of my captain: WAAAAGH!" Kid's got moxie. Anyway, he cut the bolt gun in half. Dewey by phase sword.
It was pretty shocking to see Dewey go on a tear and reach the main bracket.
Scene 6: First Round
• Meetslab vs. Sgt. Biceps Strongarm McThews, "The Brawla' from Valhalla".
This guy was amazing: a human nearly as large as the captain. Not nearly as tough, though, or as fast; Doktor killed him before he could even react, setting him on fire with an incendiary knife and then splashing his skull with a greathammer. As the massive flaming headless corpse slumped to the ground, the crowd went wild. Meetslab by hammer, winning an enchanted exercise tape.
• Miley vs. Jeffrold Iris
This guy looked like an anime protagonist: spikey hair, long coat and sunglasses, swords, the works. Miley started by flying some twenty meters in the air; he'd gotten better at taking power from his daemon parasite. But Miley's shots kept missing, as Iris stood stock still, almost posing, and glared. Eventually we noticed that the shots weren't (all) missing, but were passing through him; "his body" was an illusion. Miley recognized this as well, and pulled out his pulse rifles to spray fire around the arena, to no avail. The projection kept glaring, then drew his longer sword, which then began to glow. It screamed, "Blazing Death Strike!" and there was a flash of light, also part of the illusion.
Then James Miley's limbs and head fell off, and he fell to the ground, as we watched in horror.
As the captain collected our friend's corpse, M'k and Igneous managed to spot the opponent, who stood on the far side of the arena, invisible. Coward by pseudo-magic kung fu nonsense.
• Igneous vs. Jenny Multitudes
This one was a Thrikeen with a military loadout: flak over fatigues, rifle and sidearm. Jenny didn't seem so imposing until she split into four copies. We were then of course watching for illusions, but the copies seemed to be solid and real to all our senses. Two Jennies began firing rifles, one threw grenades, and one ran off. Igneous closed the distance and exploded; he'd managed to copy Ben's ability. The one who'd run off a little had spawned a fifth Jenny. Seeing this, Igneous immobilized them all with a web, then he shot one, which melted into ectoplasm; we later learned that she was a daemon, poking fingers into the materium. The other copies, unable to escape and apparently unable to multiply, kept firing approximately in the direction of Igneous, hitting nothing but air. Well, also a few onlookers, including Doktor, though he didn't notice. Igneous reduced a few more bodies to ooze before Jenny conceded. Igneous by web and rifle, winning the Choker of Purest Flame: its magical fire causes burns that do not heal naturally.
• Dewey vs. Sgt. Stabby
It's strange how the ones with "S" names all seem to peak at sergeant. Anyway, this thing looked exactly like the picture of Baron Vash, who we'd been warned was powerful, so Doktor urged Dewey not to fight. Dewey agreed to concede if his remaining missile had no effect. Stabby produced a knife and rolled forward, pricking Dewey in the ankle. Maybe this wasn't, in fact, the fearsome Baron under another name. Dewy didn't even bother with the missile, instead pulling a laser shotcut. Stabby managed to dodge the first shot, nicking another ankle, but the second dismantled him. Dewey by laser shotgun, winning a slab of mithril and a Speaking Mirror (location of paired mirror unknown). Igneous ran out to recover the shards of Sgt. Stabby's memory card.
• M'k vs. Balthazar the Monkey Lord
It was time to win, and to display Vectron's holy Vectron-do, the art of winning fights awesomely, which Vectron invented on the same day he invented combat pajamas. Speaking of which, the opponent wore a gi, corralled spikey hair in a headband, carried a bo staff, and had a monkey's tail. Power sword out, M'k teleported high above Balthazar's head, swung, and missed. Balthazar was too fast. He leapt, five capuchin monkeys appearing around him in flight, and grabbed hold of M'k, biting him and drinking blood. M'k teleported out of the grapple, and he again swung and missed. More monkeys popped into existence, two in the hands of Balthazar, who threw him. One missed, and M'k batted the other aside with a shield.
M'k had expended some magical energy, and was feeling slightly woozy from blood loss, so he teleported a mile in the air to spend a few moments healing bite marks and building power. The view of the mountains from above was magnificent. Squirrel-jumpers were playing tag. Though a ring-out would lose the match, the ring conveniently lacked an upper bound. He teleported back down, not quite where he was before, and waited for his moment.
Balthazar again leapt at M'k, who teleported behind Balthazar and attacked him; Balthazar dodged this shot, and swung a counterattack, which M'k shielded. Just as the fight seemed to be approaching a stalemate, Balthazar threw his staff, striking M'k in the forehead and knocking him out. Balthazar by staff.
We had a day before the next round of fights, with some healing provided. Janis was distraught and in shock at James' death, and didn't seem long for the group, assuming we could unseal the paladin's bag. We took Miley's body to the Tau embassy on Titan's Arm, for a proper funeral. His people convinced us that he would have wanted his body donated to science.
Scene 7: Second Round
The remaining rounds would be fought on the peak of a mountain. Front-row spectators watched through panels of transparent aluminum provided by Igneous, who had a thing about innocents being mown down needlessly.
• Igneous vs. Dewey
An unfortunate matchup, but at least Igneous would probably avoid killing Dewey. The two squared off. Igneous dangled his weapon from his fingers. "You know what I can do with a sling and a coin. It's time to yield." Dewey screamed, "Quoth the captain: WAAAAGH!" and threw two grenades, which missed, and which would have hurt dozens of bystanders if not for the aluminum plating. Igneous struck Dewey with a coin in such a way as to disable a limb, then webbed him in place, then disabled another limb. Dewey would never concede, but eventually went unconscious. Igneous by web, sling, and coin.
• Meetslab vs. John the Gunslinger
Typical gunslinger type, this one. His paired revolvers were apparently magical: when he got off the first two shots, Doktor fell on his ass, though he wasn't harmed. Doktor replied by throwing two knives, one electrified and one on fire, while advancing. This repeated until John was full of knives and conceded. Doktor by throwing knives, winning the Riding Horse, a hobby horse toy that becomes a real horse when given the command word ("Giddy up!").
Scene 8: Round of 16
• Igneous vs. Lizzit
Lizzit was either a tiefling or a poorly-disguised daemon. She brought no weapons. Igneous webbed her and shot her. Lizzit said, "Walk out of the ring." Igneous walked out of the ring. Lizzit by enchantment.
• Meetslab vs. Tom Adio
"I want to be the best!" said the scrawny fourteen-year-old expy. "Snorglemorfin! I choose you!" The beast attacked Doktor to little effect; Doktor responded, wounding the hideous thing. Adio tried to catch Doktor in a pokeball, direly underestimating him. Doktor swung his greathammer at Adio, reducing his organs to paste, and went on to knock one of Snorglemorfin's limbs clean off, leaving it to bleed to death pitiably. Meetslab by hammer, winning a pokeball.
Scene 9: Quarter Finals
• Doktor vs. Balthazar the Monkey Lord
Balthazar immediately got a grip on Doktor, biting him. Doktor struggled to take control, shocked by the strength of the little vampire monkey guy. Balthazar's second bite was a mouthfull of armor; conversationally, he told Doktor, "You're really crunchy, you know that?"
Doktor was shaking with rage as Balthazar took another bite, and the two rolled on the floor, reversing positions, stabbing each other with teeth and electrified knives respectively, capuchin monkeys occasionally appearing from nowhere and doing nothing in particular.
Finally, Doktor, now in dominant position, struck a solid blow, taking a finger off and rendering that hand useless. Balthazar switched tactics, attempting to magically dominate Doktor: "Flee!" Doktor was able to resist, though, and took the opportunity to stave in Balthazar's chest, though as an obvious vampire he wasn't really dead. Meetslab by hammer, winning one year of Balthazar's service. Doktor bowed to the "corpse" that was handed to him.
We learned that Balthazar was the son of a human and a monkey god. He had been left on a human world, which was shortly overrun by monkeys, its ecosystem destroyed. Balthazar was found by a spelljamming crew and has been wandering the Wheel, wreaking havoc, ever since. We would need to find a way to deal with the monkeys, during his year of service. Balthazar was uninterested in the Psychic Paper he'd won, trading it back to Samuel in exchange for cargo shorts with secure locks on the pockets; he liked to make some effort to keep his monkeys contained.
Scene 10: Semi Finals
A prize was awarded to everyone who'd reached this round. The choices were a hat with a propeller on it, a hat that looked like a penguin's head, a star-shaped bauble that twinkled invitingly, and a large red-orange flower that was warm to the touch. We took the fire flower, for which Sleepy Pete had offered a bounty.
• Meetslab vs. Jeffrold Iris
Doktor had told us not to cheat, but when Iris entered the ring already invisible, we figured it was only tit-for-tat to give Doktor her location (the real Iris was a female elf). Doktor immediately pounced, pinning the invisible figure and covering her mouth, to prevent the use of most magic. He then slit her throat, avenging James Miley. Doktor by knife, winning a straight razor, engraved "BRS", which cuts directly into the target's platonic essence: wounds from it cannot be healed by any means. Doktor held it at a distance, terrified, and instructed Igneous to seal it in molten steel and to destroy it at the first opportunity.
Scene 11: Grand Finals
• Meetslab vs. Lizzit
Lizzit's enchantment failed against the legendary willpower of our captain, who grappled with the tiefling and pushed her out of the ring. It was somewhat anticlimactic, even with Lizzit screaming as she careened down the side of the mountain, bouncing painfully for several hundred meters before being caught in the safety net. Doktor by ring out, winning a ruby containing a living reptilian eye, which glowed orange and saccaded alertly. The bound entity was powerful, upper greater daemon to angelic tier, although its identity wasn't known, beyond Tzeentchian alignment. It came with an incantation to release it, though it would not grant control of the daemon.
Doktor Meetslab also won the Strongest Under the Heavens championship belt, which looked like a boxing championship belt with a space to tie a black belt on sideways. It would grant him extra strength, so long as he actually held the title of Champion and Most Rad.
There was some time to rest and grieve. We ran into Isildur, who had survived his defeat in the early rounds. Samuel invited us to a taven, which he promised would lift our spirits, though he was clearly hiding something.
Scene 12: Under the Table
The Wicked Fountains was doing brisk business, with the town full of partying spectators, a few successful fighters who already sold their winnings, and a fair few more combatants looking to forget their troubles. As we arrived, Samuel stumbled towards a small stage, acting as though already drunk, and took hold of a microphone.
"Welcome, my, uh, my friends! And welcome! To the Liquid Dojo! You see before you Champion Most Rad Commodore Doktor Meetslab, here to take on all comers!"
"Ste-hic, step right up to compete in the ultimate competition after the ultimate competition! First round, shots! Getting weaker as they go! I mean, stronger!"
"Second round, drinking challenges! Challenges will draw lots, and the winner propose a challenger, or vice versa, and then the worst at the...the, the thing, will lose. And then another challenge! And so, well, etcetera!"
"Welcome, to the Strongest! Under! The Table!"
The competition began with 120-proof shots provided by Whiskeyed Mountains Distillery, a sponsor found on short notice; other sponsors provided successively stronger beverages, including local special Djinn's Antonic, which could reach nearly 400 proof on an auspicious equinox. There were more entrants for the drinking contest than there had been for the actual fights, but most bowed out, or were dragged away, by the time twenty shots had been served, each leaving behind their exorbitant entrance fee. There were two hundred drinks served in the first round. Only four still stood: a flamboyantly-dressed gnome, an aasimar with the smell and proportions of a steakhouse, Samuel, and Doktor Meetslab. Samuel was acting even drunker than before, but seemed limitless; Doktor barely held onto consciousness, despite the covert help of M'k's power.
Samuel went first. "I challenge you to the greatest drunken competition of all: karaoke!"
The crowd voted by cheers. Doktor lost handily.
The aasimar went next, proposing a chugging contest. The gnome was out.
"With only two drinkers remaining, the final challenge will, um. The challenge will," Samuel swayed dramatically on the spot, "will be issued by an impartial party, and who better to have the honor than, than the Champion Most Rad! Wooooo!"
Doktor, who was not impartial but who hadn't actually planned how to exploit this conflict of interest, went with his gut. "Fucking...vampire's filling us with monkeys. Filling place. You need to...you catch monkeys. Most monkey wins!" Monkey-wrangling probably isn't a traditional drinking game in most places, but the judge was the crowd, and they roared with pleasure as the aasimar crashed through tables and walls to seize the animals in twos and threes.
Amid the chaos, Samuel calmly walked to the stage and picked up his guitar. He began to play an ancient song, beloved by monkey and ape alike. "Here, here, here we go..."
When after a minute or two the aasimar caught the last monkey, his fourteenth, Samuel had at least twenty clinging to him. The aasimar raised Sam's hand in victory, and they had several celebratory rounds together.
Samuel counted his winnings. Having woken up as the humblest in means of the crew, he was now far and away the wealthiest. Also, he had some darksteel pistol ammo. Neat.
He bought Dewey some presents, including power armor and all the frag missiles he could want, which helped to make up for M'k subsequently taking away the Amulet of Expedient Dressing. M'k walked off giddily, planning all the outfits he could finally wear, now that he could store both clothing and implement in a single item while he teleported. Praise Vectron!
. . . .