Sargent, I need you to explain, for the record, the events of 1300 hours yesterday
I'm not sure I can, sir. It was a complete mess.
Just start at the beginning
I was alerted by the automatic camera monitoring system. Outward-facing camera seven in quadrant two was pointing six degrees lower and two degrees further left than it should. I figured it was probably a mechanical failure, though I was mindful of the possibility of a Breen sneak attack. It did open a hole in our outer monitoring, albeit a small one.
The Breen are still two days away
I know that, sir. But it's possible they could have sent a small force of saboteurs on ahead.
Good thinking
So I took the elevator to the top of the wall, climbed out the access door and took a look at the camera. There was a rope wrapped around it. The rope had a hook at the end, that hooked around itself, so the rope that hung down was highly secure. There camera was bent downward as if the rope had a great weight on it. I looked down, and saw nothing. Then I looked up and saw the creature climbing the inner defenses. Did analysis figure out what it was?
A human
I've heard stories about humans, but I never really believed them. I guess I do now.
Anyway, the human must have climbed the rope, just as he was now climbing the inner defenses. His weight must have pulled the camera out of alignment. I still can't figure out how he got it there, though. Any device I know of that can do it would have been detected by the electronics scanners.
Probably “threw” it. It's a thing humans can do. They move an object toward an objective at high velocity, let go, and let momentum take it from there. Doesn't need any technology
Is that... possible?
Our physicists assure me it is. I haven't wanted to check over the equations.
Right.
Anyway.
He was already above my reach on the inner defenses, but he was climbing slowly. So I went back in through the access port, caught an elevator, and beat him to the next overlook.
While I was in the elevator, I remembered that the inner defenses are electrified. I checked my handbrain, and it reported those systems were fully online.
So when I got to the next access door, and looked down at the creature climbing the wall, I looked carefully. He was wearing gloves, which might have been thick enough to protect him. But his head was unprotected, and it did get zapped a few times. I could see and hear the sparks.
And his reaction to fifty thousand volts of electricity?
He said “ow”.
Sometimes not even that.
Yeah.
Anyway.
He made it to the top, and I was waiting for him with my weapon drawn. I demanded to know why he was climbing our fortress. He answered: “Because it's there”. I did not find this sufficient.
He then pulled out a camera and started photographing the surroundings. I ordered him to stop and he ignored me, so I fired on him. Standard sidearm: 1.2 megapascals of raw kinetic pressure straight into his center of mass.
He said “ow”.
He demanded to know what the big deal was, so I explained – as patiently as I could manage – that this is a fortress, and we expect to be invaded soon, and photographs of our defenses could benefit the enemy.
He asked if we really took this war seriously, and I assured him we did. He admitted that he didn't. But he assured me that he was not a spy, only a 'tourist' in search of the best views to photograph.
And then he offered me a deal: If I would pose with him for a 'selfie', he would delay publishing these photos until our war ended.
And what did you do?
I posed with him for a selfie.
Good choice